Day 5: UGH!

Okay so I told my friend Ron that I would go to Vegas with him if he paid for the deposit on my new apartment with my Fiance. At first she said it was fine, that she would let me go. Now she is having second thoughts, and I don't blame her because frankly Ron is a perv. See I met Ron on the internet about two years ago and he's a great friend, but something is off about him wanting to take me to Vegas alone. I know I shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place but I felt obligated because he was paying the deposit on a new apartment that me and JB desperately need.

So JB said that she would pay for her own plane ticket and other expenses to come along. Ron is having a shit fit over this. He knows I am engaged to JB but he doesn't want her to come along. Does this seem fishy to anyone? I don't know, now he's acting like JB coming with him is this major burden on him or some shit. I don't think it is, I think he's overreacting. I mean I spent the whole day with him Friday and everything was on the up and up, but everyone down to my sister thinks that me going alone to a hotel in Vegas with him is a bad idea.

Laura (My sister) Says that by going to Vegas with him and sharing a room with him is like writing a blank check. Meaning that it's like saying, "Go ahead, sleep with me, you paid for this trip you paid for my apartment, I owe you." When in actuality that's not the deal we had at all. JB was only okay with this because she knew that he was paying for the apartment, the money we couldn't have come up with in time.

Now JB says she wants to go, and I don't blame her. I don't blame my sister for getting pissed either. We all know what kind of pervert Ron is, the first year we were friends he wanted TOO MUCH from me. Taking naked photos of me, grabbing my ass, sexual enuendo, all that stuff. Then for four months I didn't talk to him at all cause I thought he was getting to be too much. Then in February he comes back into my life, and claims he is a changed man. Now I do have to admit that he has changed, he hasn't made one sex joke about me to him. I've made my jabs at him but he has been different.

The only thing I have to judge this trip on is this. When I had only known Ron for 2 months he offered to take me to an Evanescence concert out of town. Two hours out of town. In Columbus. I live in Cleveland. He was holding that trip over my head too. We did, in fact go, and we had a good time. If it wasn't for him I would have never seen Evanescence perform live (they are my all time favorite band) and now they have disbanded and that means there will never be another Evanescence concert, so I have him to thank for this. But even after the trip I felt like I still had to be friends with him cause lets face it, he paid for the tickets, he paid for the gas, and he paid for dinner and drinks. Months later when I didn't want to do something with him, he would bring up the Evanescence concert.

Now I am borderline personality, and with that comes paranoia. Wanna know all the things I think could happen on this trip? He could drug me, he could rape me, he could KILL me. I don't want to die, I don't want to be raped (for a second time in my life) and I don't want to be drugged. I am scared that if he kills me then he'll have to backtrack and kill JB. He'll be able to do it too. I mean he could kill me and then show up at our new apartment and JB will let him in, or at least come to the door...he could kill her too! Rediculous, I know. But I am afraid nonetheless. What am I supposed to do?

I am such a control freak (my emetophobia speaks to that, and if you don't know what emetophobia is...then God created GOOGLE for you) I am so afraid of being out of control. Ron is a big guy 6 foot 3, 200 pounds maybe? I am so bad at estimating these things. Anyway he could easily pin me the hell down and do what he wants to me. He contests that if he wanted to he could have already done it. I contest that we haven't ever been 1000 miles away from home where I knew no one and couldn't escape him. It's different when you are 1000 miles away from home. JB couldn't save me, Laura couldn't save me, hell my dad couldn't pull out his imaginary shot gun and save me. I'd be alone and scared and have to fend for myself and I'm really bad at that.

To top this all off, I HATE PLANE RIDES! I am going on a plane with a man who I don't really like, to be stuck next to him for 3 hours, on a sedative mind you, because I don't get on planes without sedatives...God what am I going to do? This is a major fuckarow but I can't back out of it now because if I do, I lose Ron as a friend, but on the other hand I'm scared out of my mind. Scared for my safety and JB's. I'm also scared of the "I told you so's" If I get raped. What the FUCK am I going to do?

~Monica